omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
