Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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