Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
