Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
