I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
