I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
