im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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