thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
