well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Holy sore nipples Batman
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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