My friends, they love my intelligence
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
