My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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