Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
