There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
