I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
