if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
im on a boat
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