You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
