...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
