Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
