considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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