I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
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They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
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If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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