I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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