i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I think your dad took our porno
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Two words: blizzard sex
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
