I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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