The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
