just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Randomize
