She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
May the power of my ass compel you!!
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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