At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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