4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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