this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
