have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
