How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
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Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
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So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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