First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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