I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
He felt like a one man threesome
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
