u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
