it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
