On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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