watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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