and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
