If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
