apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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