My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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