The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
