you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
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Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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