o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
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