Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
