Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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