FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
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Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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