plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
