So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
My ass is underappreciated
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
