wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
