Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."