This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
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At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
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Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
We're too hungover to prance.