epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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