You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
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I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
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I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?