If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I still have a little drunk in my system
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
