Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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