i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
