My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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