I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
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