So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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