thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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